grandma shit on top of the toilet
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
