I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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