his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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