oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
