god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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