I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just invented taco cereal.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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