it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
