I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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