I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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