Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
