and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
