I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
