Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
