I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
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Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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