You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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