there's paper in my vomit.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
