Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
