the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
