just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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