i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
