i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
