if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
