don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
