Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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