The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
