I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
