My nipple is on Facebook.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
