she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
