if you like me you must not know who I am
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
