I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.