I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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