woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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