I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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