Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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