Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
