Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
