where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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