Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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