that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
