I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
