my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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