Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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