i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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