In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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