We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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