I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
