So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
