I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
