she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
