why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
