The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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