WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Randomize
