We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
