is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize