I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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