my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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