its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
