I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
